At the beginning of this journey, my family was hit with
some news. My grandmother was going to
have to begin chemotherapy again. My grandmother was diagnosed with Stage IIIC
Ovarian Cancer in August 2004. She’s
been battling this disease for over 8 years.
She had been on chemo for several months, and then decided it was time
to take a break because the treatment was becoming a little too much for her.
Even though she was taking the break, the nurses at her doctor’s office
contacted her about getting on the waiting list for a type of chemotherapy
called Doxil. She tolerated Doxil better
than she had tolerated any other treatment, and they wanted her to have this
medicine available to her if she needed to start treatment again. After one month off from the chemo, her
CA-125 levels dropped and we were so grateful.
Unfortunately the next month they went up to 39.9. It was at this time that
her oncologist recommended that she begin the Doxil. Our hopes were high as she’d never tolerated
a chemotherapy treatment as well as Doxil.
This round of treatments was going to be much different. She struggled to eat, keep food down and she
had terrible heartburn. The following
month when it was time for her CA-125, the numbers went up again. She was now
at 70.5. Another month came and another dose of Doxil was administered. She went through the same problems she had
the month prior and was losing a lot of weight.
When she went in for her blood test after a month her numbers had almost
completely doubled to 138.2.
My grandmother is by far the most beautiful, wonderful
person I will ever know. Every time she
has to start treatment again I find myself crippled with sadness, fear and
anxiety. She’s my person, and I love her
more than I there will ever be words adequate enough to express it.
There have been times when she’s gone through her treatment
that I’ve been able to “deal,” and there have been times when I have shut down
altogether. This time was one of those
shut down altogether times. I couldn’t
talk about it. I couldn’t talk about
cancer. I couldn’t watch that Happy
Birthday commercial that the American Cancer Society puts out without breaking
down. Most importantly, I couldn’t talk
to her. It’s a strange thing when you’re
loved one is going through cancer treatment.
Everyone deals and copes with it differently. I wasn’t dealing at all this time.
It was just before she started chemo this time that I’d
picked up running. As you may have read,
I was running a lot, sometimes four or five times a week. The truth is running had turned into my
escape. I was literally running from the cancer. I was running to get out of my head. I was running from my fear. It’s the kind of fear that sinks deep into
your bones and doesn’t want to let go.
It’s the kind of fear that wreaks havoc on your soul.
It wasn’t long after my grandmother had to start chemo again
that I was met with an injury. Yes,
going from 0 to 20 plus miles in one week will do that to you. I could barely walk up and down the stairs in
my house without wincing in pain. I
couldn’t even do a short one mile run. I
was out of commission, and you know what?
I was so mad I could hardly stand it.
Running is addictive. Ask anyone
who runs. But when you’re injured and you’re forced to face your problems
you’ve been running from head on, you wish you could run that much more. At least that was the situation for me. However it seemed there was this billboard
that followed me around saying, “This is your opportunity to change
things.”
I spent the past couple weeks in prayer about it, wondering
what that thought meant. What facets of
my life would need to change in order to work on myself emotionally, be more
present to my grandmother, etc.?
The first step I took was stepping out and sharing where I
was at emotionally on my grandmother’s birthday on my personal blog. That was huge. I hadn’t talked about what was going on with
me and that was tremendous progress. I
felt like after 8 years people get tired of hearing about it, but that’s not
true. Well, maybe some people get sick of it, but I’ve noticed that those
people aren’t true friends.
It was through the revelations in prayer and stepping out in
faith and saying, “Hey, I’m hurting and I need help,” that I came to realize
that I needed to do something to grow and heal in this journey. I’m not just talking about my running story,
but in my story as a family member of an ovarian cancer patient. I know that there is a community of people
like me out there that need someone to talk to, have fellowship with, etc. I just needed to find it.
I also needed to find out how I could raise awareness about
ovarian cancer. You may or may not know
that September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month in the United
States. However, you don’t see teal
wrapped candies, teal pencils, teal ribbons, or NFL players wearing teal shoes.
It’s just not widely known. If I, in any small way can contribute to the
awareness this silent killer of women, it’s more than worth it.
The answer as to what route I was turned up much quicker
than I had anticipated. You may not now, but comedienne Gilda Radner died in
1989 of Ovarian Cancer. Even though I
was young when she was on Saturday Night Live, I remember watching her and
thinking she was absolutely hilarious.
When Gilda was going through treatment she said that cancer gave her, “membership to an elite club I'd rather not
belong to.” She was right. Whether
you’re a patient, survivor, family member or friend cancer touches us all
differently. None of us asked to be in
this “club,” but we’re a part of it. It was out of this “membership” that
Gilda’s husband, Gene Wilder founded Gilda’s Club during the time she had
cancer.
In my quest to
learn more about Gilda’s Club I was met with a couple surprises. Not only does Gilda’s Club offer support
groups for patients, survivors, friends and family, but they offer social
events as well. You can go to Gilda’s
Club and do yoga, take a ballroom dancing class, learn tai chi and much
more. Another thing I learned as I
navigated the website was that they have a gang. Yep, Gilda’s Club has a gang of runners who
run the Country Music Half Marathon in Nashville, Tennessee. Guess which girl had already planned on
running that half…THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE! So, yes, I’ve joined a gang…Gilda’s Gang. I couldn’t be more excited!
My goal is to
raise funds and awareness about Gilda’s Club of Nashville and all they offer,
while continuing to honor my grandmother by raising awareness about ovarian cancer. I also plan to become a member of Gilda’s
Club. My hope is that through all of
this I will grow and heal emotionally and physically. I cannot allow my fear of cancer to stop me
from making another phone call to my grandmother. I cannot allow it to stop me
from making the turn into her driveway for a visit. I cannot allow it to cripple me. It doesn’t have that right.
Monday, September 24 I set up my fundraising page. The following day I contacted Deb at Gilda’s
Club for information about the race training group. That afternoon she called me and I spent
almost 45 minutes on the phone with her. We talked about the race, Gilda’s Club
and even delved a little into my story.
I won’t lie, that part was hard and I did tear up a little, but the
thing was Deb understood. She got where
I was. That made me feel so much better.
I am so encouraged about this journey!
Here is my plan. I am
going to blog about this experience and I would love to share it with you. I think blogging about my training for the Go
Commando Half Marathon has pushed me to want to share these stories with
others, and I think that by sharing my experiences with Gilda’s Club and
Gilda’s Gang and my grandmother’s progress others may be encouraged and maybe
even motivated to begin their journey. I may reach someone who needs the
encouragement to get out and run, make a visit to the Clubhouse, or make that
call to their doctor. Maybe somewhere along the line I will learn that it’s ok
to feel the things I feel, but not let them take over my life. Maybe there will be healing and growth for a
lot of people. I’m not sure. Whatever the case may be, I know this is
going to be a great experience.
Thank you for allowing me to share my heart about all of
this with you. If you wouldn’t mind, I
would love it if you would share this story with people you know. If we say nothing, we don’t reach
anyone. If we speak up, we may be able
to help others in their place of need.
Also, if you would like to contribute to my run, you can do so at this
link: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/kellifaerber/ibelieveinteal
If you’re interested joining my team for the Country Music
Half Marathon, I would love to have you!
The Country Music Half Marathon is also featuring a Mini Marathon for
those who may not be able to complete 13.1 miles for whatever reason. The distance is 2.6 miles. If you’re interested, please e-mail me at kellifaerber@yahoo.com.
Here’s to kicking off another journey!
Lots of Love, hope and TEAL*,
Kelli
*TEAL is the official color of the National Ovarian Cancer
Awareness month, and is an acronym for Take Early Action & Live.
